Monday, October 24, 2016

What the hell just came out of my mouth?

This isn't a real blog post, but I wanted to share because I think I might be on to something here. I've decided to write a book. It's going to be filled with nothing but the completely ridiculous and totally inane things that parents find themselves saying when they are talking to their children. Here are a few of my most recent winners:

"Do not put Legos in your sister's food."

"If you would just eat over your plate, you wouldn't end up with honey on your feet."

"Fine, you can have the archery set. On 3 conditions..."

"Plates are not frisbees."

"Yes, well, I'm sorry your shirt got wet, but that's how gravity works."

"I don't know how to explain gravity to you, son."

"I don't know how to explain humidity to you, son."

"I don't know how to explain plumbing to you, son. Just stop putting your head in the toilet."

"Take your feet off of your sister's face."

"My uterus is not a trampoline." (This was directed at my daughter)

My favorite moments are when I'm in the car with my not-yet 6 year old, and he starts asking completely simple questions that I think he should already know the answer to, until I start to respond and realize that the answer is actually complicated enough that even the thought of explaining it to him completely exhausts me.

An example from last week, while driving home from an open house at my daughter's daycare:

My son: "Mommy?"
Me; "Yes?"
My son: "Is it night?"
Me: "Yes."
My son: "Why is it night?"
Me: "Son...................I don't know."

I am a college educated, business professional. I am hardly the most intelligent person I know, but I managed to scrounge up a master's degree while working two part-time jobs and taking care of a newborn. Of COURSE I know why it's night. I can even explain it to you, really. Having to explain planetary alignment and movement though, at that particular moment, brain-fried after spending an hour in a daycare with my son and his 2 year old sister, along with several hundred other brain-fried parents, teachers, and children, all of whom were hyped up on cookie and Capri-Sun benders--nope. Just. Nope.

So yes. A book filled with this stuff. Filtered in, I could also include pages filled with all of those annoying things that people say to you when you're a young parent that make you want to start punching old ladies in the grocery store. "Enjoy this time, they grow up so fast!" Right, because that's totally what I'm thinking when I'm driving around the interstate at midnight with my toddler who will not stop sobbing but simultaneoulsy thinks that the VeggieTales book that plays 'Jesus Christ is Risen Today' on a loop is the best thing ever. No, dear child of mine. Sleep is the best thing ever. SLEEP DAMMIT.

OH! In the back, instead of an index, there could be recipes on how to make awesome cocktails out of your kids' juice boxes, alcohol samplers, and the countless packages of instant jello that are taking up room in your pantry. IT'S LIKE THE BOOK IS WRITING ITSELF, PEOPLE.

I'm going to be rich. If I don't spend all the profits on booze, that is. To help me deal with the ridiculousness of being a parent. Vicious cycle.


  1. Perfect. Insert a meme of me banging my head against wall on the page facing the one with that quotation on it.