And this is why I drink

*Reposted from a year ago. Because you just can't make this stuff up.

Tuesday, October 25th: I arrive at work to discover that I cannot get into my office, because there are large computer boxes blocking my door. I am told by a member of my staff that the IT guy came by to install my new computer.

Confused, I respond, "Uh....I didn't ask for a new computer."
Staffer: "Right, but yours is old and apparently is on a list to be replaced."
Me: "But......I don't want a new computer."
Staffer laughs out loud.
I stare at her.
Staffer: "You didn't know this was happening? Really?"
Me: "No. Aw man, I just finished ripping all my music to that computer. I have three years of information that I'm going to have to back up in the next fifteen minutes."
Staffer: "Ew."

Shortly thereafter, I got my new computer, new monitor, new sound bar. It's all shiny and new, and truly, I am appreciative. I was frustrated that my old computer, which worked just fine, was being replaced, when the reference desk computer out on the floor (that takes a thousand years to even open a window) was not. Not only that, but they wouldn't even approve moving my perfectly good, old computer out on to the floor. Regardless, this is part of working for the government, and I get that. There's a system in place for everything. I guess.

Wednesay, October 26th: I have payroll, an updated emergency contact list, and an updated inclement weather plan all due by noon. I have the department schedule for the next two weeks due by 5, a system wide rotation for Sunday scheduling due by Monday, and a standing paperback order that is due by the 3rd. I am supposed to be leaving at 12:30 in order to avoid going over 40 hours for the week. Moving at breakneck speed, I sit down to slam into all of this, only to discover that my brand new computer is taking twice as long as my old one to do things like boot up and load simple programs. I also have a million files to sort through and find, since all the information that was on my old computer is now on my flash drive and in no kind of order.

I am frustrated, but trying to see the silver lining. I really do like my  new 20 inch monitor.

Thursday, October 27th: My printer, which is approximately the same age as Moses, has not been installed on my new computer. Turns out that the printer is so old that I cannot even download the drivers for it off the internet. I go to find the city purchaser, to tell him that I need a new printer, and discover that the IT guy that started all of this is sitting in the business administration offices. The following conversation occurs:

Me: "Just the person I've been looking for."
Him: "Awesome! What's going on?"
Me: "Do you happen to remember, two days ago, when you came down to install the new computer that I did not want, ask for, or need?"
Him: "I do."
Me: "I am not able to get my printer to work with it."
Him: "Oh yeah! I knew that."
Me: {stares at him with what must have looked like a combination of disbelief and I'm-about-to-rip-your-head-off}
Him: "Yeah, there are no drivers. So you'll need a new printer."
Me: "...................Right.................."
Him: "So you just need to submit a ticket to the help desk, then they'll send it over to me, and I'll be able to put in a request to get you a new one from there. Probably take no more than a few weeks."
Me: "...............................Wrong answer, Buford."

The moral of the story is that, for as many wonderful benefits as there are to working for the government (and I'm not even a little kidding, there are a lot of great things about it), governmental red tape is even redder and stickier than the normal kind. Somebody get me a beer. Or three.

Very short post about a day in the life of a children's librarian

WELCOME TO MY WORLD

There are no words. Only the melodious sounds of me and my staff banging our heads against the place in our workroom I have set aside for just such activities (see below).

As we do this, we repeatedly say, "I will not pass judgement. I will not pass judgement. I will not pass judgement."

On the other hand.....

New sexy librarian glasses!

You take what you can get, I suppose...

What the hell just came out of my mouth?

This isn't a real blog post, but I wanted to share because I think I might be on to something here. I've decided to write a book. It's going to be filled with nothing but the completely ridiculous and totally inane things that parents find themselves saying when they are talking to their children. Here are a few of my most recent winners:

"Do not put Legos in your sister's food."

"If you would just eat over your plate, you wouldn't end up with honey on your feet."

"Fine, you can have the archery set. On 3 conditions..."

"Plates are not frisbees."

"Yes, well, I'm sorry your shirt got wet, but that's how gravity works."

"I don't know how to explain gravity to you, son."

"I don't know how to explain humidity to you, son."

"I don't know how to explain plumbing to you, son. Just stop putting your head in the toilet."

"Take your feet off of your sister's face."

"My uterus is not a trampoline." (This was directed at my daughter)

My favorite moments are when I'm in the car with my not-yet 6 year old, and he starts asking completely simple questions that I think he should already know the answer to, until I start to respond and realize that the answer is actually complicated enough that even the thought of explaining it to him completely exhausts me.

An example from last week, while driving home from an open house at my daughter's daycare:

My son: "Mommy?"

Me; "Yes?"

My son: "Is it night?"

Me: "Yes."

My son: "Why is it night?"

Me: "Son...................I don't know."

I am a college educated, business professional. I am hardly the most intelligent person I know, but I managed to scrounge up a master's degree while working two part-time jobs and taking care of a newborn. Of COURSE I know why it's night. I can even explain it to you, really. Having to explain planetary alignment and movement though, at that particular moment, brain-fried after spending an hour in a daycare with my son and his 2 year old sister, along with several hundred other brain-fried parents, teachers, and children, all of whom were hyped up on cookie and Capri-Sun benders--nope. Just. Nope.

So yes. A book filled with this stuff. Filtered in, I could also include pages filled with all of those annoying things that people say to you when you're a young parent that make you want to start punching old ladies in the grocery store. "Enjoy this time, they grow up so fast!" Right, because that's totally what I'm thinking when I'm driving around the interstate at midnight with my toddler who will not stop sobbing but simultaneously thinks that the VeggieTales book that plays 'Jesus Christ is Risen Today' on a loop is the best thing ever. No, dear child of mine. Sleep is the best thing ever. SLEEP DAMMIT.

OH! In the back, instead of an index, there could be recipes on how to make awesome cocktails out of your kids' juice boxes, alcohol samplers, and the countless packages of instant jello that are taking up room in your pantry. IT'S LIKE THE BOOK IS WRITING ITSELF, PEOPLE.

I'm going to be rich. If I don't spend all the profits on booze, that is. To help me deal with the ridiculousness of being a parent. Vicious cycle.